Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very
aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often
wondered by what gender should computers be addressed.
To answer that question, he setup two groups of computer
experts.
The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each
group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer you could have had a better
model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should
be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval

[XIR.[L7]]

Where,s the fourth reason from the men

[XIR.Xanton]

Lost... No... kidding, here it is:

4. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you".


And the bonus reason:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[XIR.Xanton]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys
her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now
she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front
of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too
small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your
breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow
over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt,
didn't it?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his
grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you
doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer
him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I
sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This
was your Grandma's idea!"

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.croom]

muahaha......

[XIR.Xanton]

Muhahahah

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love
lives.

The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we
make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's
incredible!"

The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make
love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's
wonderful!"

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says, "My
husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits
at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to
be when it gets here."

[XIR.Xanton]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the
Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other
and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump
from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the
10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense
that they carry you around the building and back into the
window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way
in hell that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to
you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th
floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back
into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You
know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a
one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into
the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well,
what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try
it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the
11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a
'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker and
says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole when
you're drunk!"

[XIR.croom]

--> A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


--> A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


--> A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A young man was walking through a supermarket when he
noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her
and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but
she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made
you uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who
recently died."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
that I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!"

When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.

[XIR.croom]

--> A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a ." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"


--> After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."


--> In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you. So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!

[XIR.Xanton]

---> There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed
his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great,
he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will
read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error
messages.

---> There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer
driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the
car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the
driver managed to stop the car by running it against the
embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They
all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a
committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging
ideas, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides
that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife
here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the
problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we
should all push the car back up the hill ...and see if it
happens again."

[XIR.Xanton]

The knight and his loyal warriors returned to their castle
after a hard month of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire, we have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf for
weeks, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."
"What?!" shrieked the King, "I have no enemies to the west!"
The knight paused. "Well, you do now!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was
not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time
of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and
you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in
jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek
and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "