Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.Dukeman]

hmmm, i see, someone wants to get fragged nexttime....

i get a new delivery of bubblegums today croomy, hope you got enough viagra at home....

[XIR.croom]

--> A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[XIR.Xanton]

OMG! LOL!

[XIR.croom]

--> A boy who had just turned sixteen went to his father and asked him since he was old enough to drive, could he get a car. The father thought about it, and I'll make a deal with you! If you read your bible more and cut your hair, then I'll get you a car. The son agreed and went his way. A couple of weeks later, the son approached the father and said "you know, Dad, I've been reading the bible like you've asked me to and says here that Jesus had long hair too." The father replied to the son, "Yeah, but Jesus also walked everywhere he went!..."


--> I was going down the street the other day and ran into this dirty old beggar sitting on the sidewalk. As I approached, he got up and came over to me and asked for $5 to buy breakfast. I told him," Come on friend. Let's go over to the bar and I'll buy you a drink". He replied, "No thanks, I don't drink. I just want $5 for breakfast." Next I said, "Well then, how about one of my nice cigars?" He again said, "No, I don't smoke, " Next I said, "I'll tell you what. Let's go to the track and take that $5 you want for breakfast and put it on a sure thing. You would have enough money to last a month." Again, he told me, " I don't gamble. I just want breakfast." Finally I told him, "If you'll come home with me and meet my wife, I'll fix you the biggest breakfast you ever ate." With this his eyes lit up and he asked, "Why will you fix me a big breakfast if I come home and meet your wife." "Simple", I responded. "I want her to meet someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble and show her what that can do to a man."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away
to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is
understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts
his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks,
"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[XIR.Xanton]

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that
ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted
island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was
natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl
felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt
having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed
herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through
it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable
course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began
to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So................

They buried her.

[XIR.Xanton]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various
latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine
that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a
loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping
sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where
condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss.
Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking
the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but
what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple
machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth
condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
document drama about famous composers starring top movie
stars Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these
Superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select
whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were
very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart and
would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would
improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis.
"I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds
splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want
to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says :

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


"I'll be Bach."

[XIR.Xanton]

I love this one...


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with
the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent
people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do
so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds,

"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She
hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am.
Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the
Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the
test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it
and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a
meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle
over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here,
son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is
it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir!

I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in
disgust,

"Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

[XIR.Xanton]

By the time the sailor got into town, every hotel room was
taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded at
the last hotel. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air
Force pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in the rooms next door have complained in
the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take
it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring?"

"Nope, I quietened him in no time," replied the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."

[XIR.croom]

LOL...

[XIR.Xanton]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she
yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands
up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built,
with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly
up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across
his chest. She gasps... He whispers...."Iron this -- and
then get me a beer."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very
depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of
the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with
the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice
not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed
some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous
looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."