Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands." "What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

---

A son goes to his father and ask him to explain the difference between figuratively and literally. The father tells the son that he should go to his mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. He goes to each of them and they both answer yes. He goes back to his father with their answers. His father now explains to him that figuratively we are sitting on 2 million dollars, literally we are living with two whores.

---

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home..'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.. Take your wife home.'
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

---

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.Xanton]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know
everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I
know them.' Tired of his boasting, his boss called his
bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?' 'No drama boss, Tom
and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's
happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington
.' And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on
in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.' Well,
the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally
convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he
expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the
Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know
all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out
on the balcony with the Pope.' He disappears into the crowd
headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope
on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that
his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you
and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me
said, 'Who the f**ks that on the balcony with Dave?'

[XIR.Xanton]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to
plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult
work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used
to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to
dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same
day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[XIR.[L7]]

loved the one about Dave.=)

[XIR.Xanton]

..

[XIR.Rawhide]

Schools; The difference between then and now........


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.


2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[XIR.Rawhide]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO!

[XIR.[L7]]

Probably enough here to just about offend everybody!!!!!!

I’ve just come out of the ‘chippy’ with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two
days’.. I told him ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the
instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it
did.


A fat bird served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time; she said
‘sorry about the wait’. I said ‘don’t worry fatso, you’ll
lose it eventually’


Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself ‘she’ll be lucky with a face like that!’


I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn’t matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,
this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here’s
how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’


Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor
away’. But since all the doctors are now Muslim,
I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were
labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in
the kitchen?!


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad
reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,
'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her
husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my
pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her
husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[XIR.Rawhide]

English for Both Sexes...

The Man's Guide to Female English...
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?

The Woman's Guide to Male English...
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

[XIR.Xanton]

A young boy walks in to a barber shop and the barber
whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the
world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a
dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then
calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The
boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?”
said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the
customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take
the dollar, the game is over!”