Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letter!


An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:
"woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked
the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked
into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just
as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies
landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too,
picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and
started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

[XIR.*Star]

[XIR.Xanton]

During a good manners and etiquette class,
the teacher says to her students, "If you
were courting a well educated young girl
from a prominent family, and during a dinner
for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and
improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the
toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to
mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is
unpleasant.

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a
moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal
friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you
after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[XIR.croom]

Why are you crying?
Some people said my baby is ugly.
How terrible. Would you like a nice cup of tea?
Yes, please. You are kind.
And shall I bring a banana for your little monkey?

[XIR.Xanton]

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few
of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in
the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror
and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a
way to stop it.

He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told
them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school
custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it
was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to
clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush
on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the
nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove
the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips
on the mirror.

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.[L7]]

FBI Recruiting!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin, after all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door, and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her! the man said, "You cant be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, then your not the right man for this job. Take your wife, and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but i cant kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband, She took the gun and went into the room. Shots, were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Dont mess with them.

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.Xanton]

LOL! Nice one Clive!

[XIR.Xanton]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been
any interest in his paintings which were on display
at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"Okay. Let's hear it," responded the artist.

"Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired
about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. When I told him it would,
he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the
bad news?"

"The guy said he was your doctor."

[XIR.*Star]

[XIR.*Star]

[XIR.croom]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes
a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives
her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch
for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,"
he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[XIR.croom]

...lol...




--> An English man and Irish man and a blonde are at a cliff top!! An angel comes along and tells them that they are to jump off the cliff and whatever they shout out, they will become it!!
The English man jumps and shout out "Eagle" and he becomes an eagle and flys away!!!
The Irish man shouts out "Dove" and he becomes a dove and flys away!!!
The blonde moves forwards, trips and Yells "SHIT"!!

--> Two men and a blonde are due to be executed!! They are to be put in the electric chair!! They are told that if when the switch is pushed, nothing happens, they are free!!
The first man comes in, is strapped to the chair and asked if he has any last words!! He says "Tell my wife and children that i love them"!! The switch is pushed and nothing happens, so he walks free!!
The second man comes in!! Is strapped to the chair and asked about last words!! He says "tell my wife and kids that i love them"!! The swich is pushed and nothing happens so he too walks free!!
The blonde comes in and is strapped to the chair!! She is asked about her last words and says "Yeah, you forgot to plug it in!!"

--> The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"