Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Scout109]

lol nice!!

[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.[L7]]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom.. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

Ralph & Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.



He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'

[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.[L7]]

An elderly couple Margaret and Bert moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so seeing some on sale he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

FrustratedBert stormed off into the bathroom undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret a little louder this time'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed'Bertwhat's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

FuriousBert yelled'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'

'Nope' she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

Without changing her expression Margaret replied'Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Should a bought a hat.'

[XIR.Xanton]

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[XIR.Xanton]

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[XIR.Sticklyman]

[XIR.Xanton]

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