Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks,

"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting....




"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a Loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey
Pagano,and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

GOLDFISH



Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.the two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant. Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO!

[XIR.[L7]]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous Australian blonde girl are in the
same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
Out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In
Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one
twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and
Shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much
sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice
either.'
The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and
shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'



' God Bless Australia

[XIR.[L7]]

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.



Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[XIR.[L7]]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....



Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

[XIR.[L7]]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t.

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Xanton]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices
that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a
question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She
answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do
about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single
and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next
alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun,
'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied
and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun
says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy
dress party.

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.[L7]]

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