Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
Animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
Her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
Following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
Together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I
Come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted
Indignantly. 'In this country. We don't speak aloud in Public places about
Our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
How to spell ' Mississippi '.'

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Rawhide]

Jamaican Sandals



While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.



The salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in.

Dey make you wild at sex.'



Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.



The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'



The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'



So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,



Finally gave in, and tried them on.



As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.



The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! 'You got dem on the wrong feet!

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL

[XIR.[L7]]

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

Jock fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

Taffy reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Paddy started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[XIR.Rawhide]

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland , Murph's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the
doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,
Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand!!' Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a
daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain
t got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had
yourself another boy!'

Murph said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?' The doctor
said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during
conception.' Murph said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' She said, 'Yeah, I
remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat
WD-40

[XIR.[L7]]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends..

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'
Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[XIR.Rawhide]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem ?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3 ?"

Harry : "9."

Principal : "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Harry : "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal," Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into ?"

Harry : "Pants."

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"

Harry : " Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks :" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?"

Harry : "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : "What starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?"

Harry : "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.Rawhide]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.


' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?


'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.


'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'


Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:



There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. < /div>


The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple..



The Catholic type supports the masses.


The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,


The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and


The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!




(A} Almost Boobs...


{B} Barely there.


{C} Can't Complain!


{D} Dang!


{DD} Double dang!


{E} Enormous!


{F} Fake.


{G} Get a Reduction.


{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !




Send this to all that will appreciate it!


They forgot the German bra.


Holtzemfromfloppen

[XIR.Rawhide]

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. ... having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants

[XIR.Rawhide]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your b***dy plane!!"

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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "Imp gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.

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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says "You know what I want don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"

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Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common? A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

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Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"

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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they could use mobile phones!"

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles from London !"

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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick b**ds like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the h**ll out of you if I could swim!"

[XIR.Rawhide]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

She was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children; I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"



And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"



And the husband began --



"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."



The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said," Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[XIR.Xanton]