Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air & tells her "your hair smells nice."

After a week of this she went to see personnel & put a sexual harassment complaint in against him.

The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"

She said

"Its Kieth the f***ing dwarth!"

[XIR.Bòóy@@h]

What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it... and have a nice week at work...

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, nice 1

[XIR.[L7]]

Very good Marco.

[XIR.[L7]]

FATHER JOHN


It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard,' exclaimed the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years.’

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO!

[XIR.Rawhide]

LOL

[XIR.Rawhide]

Very interesting -- you think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP ...

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......... it is time for me to shut UP .!

Oh . . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning the last thing you do at night? U-P

[XIR.[L7]]

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet
Twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
Completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
Clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[XIR.Rawhide]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,

''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'


She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and

washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain

sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found

something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:

'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her

up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .

Please advise.'


The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they

accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket

and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying

out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,

'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing

her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said,

'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then

gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'


I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'


She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then

makes love to me for half the afternoon.'


I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'


She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert

and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'


I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'


She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all

kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few

times a week to play cards.


One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.

I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought

and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'


Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. .







Wait for it. .






It's coming. .






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?







She says:





'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[XIR.Xanton]

Woohoo, nice! LOL!

[XIR.[L7]]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[XIR.croom]