Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a
vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking,
damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy
on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel!Try what I
do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you're there, look
for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and
cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the best way to travel that I can
think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue and
shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.....I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess
came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache
of the guy on the Harley.

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

Jack and Jill.




Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I
married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off
my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put
them on.
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
family
and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single
problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill
and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and
she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly, "replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want
you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied
Jill. "And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will."

[XIR.[L7]]

old and wise,,

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, that's great!

[XIR.Rawhide]

Dog Food Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit
me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

[XIR.croom]

muahaha

[XIR.Rawhide]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.



They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.



Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Excuse me but are you the owner?"



The pharmacist answers "Yes".



Jacob says: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"



Pharmacist: "Of course we do."



Jacob asks: "How about medicine for circulation?"



Pharmacist: "We sell all kinds."



Jacob: "Do you have medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"



Pharmacist: "Definitely."



Jacob: "How about Viagra?"



Pharmacist: "Of course."



Jacob:"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and jaundice?"



Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.....the works!"



Jacob: "How about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"



Pharmacist: "Absolutely."



Jacob: "Do you by any chance sell wheelchairs and walkers?"



Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes . Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"



Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Rawhide]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

LOL!

[XIR.Rawhide]

How To Shower Like a Woman



Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

.
How To Shower Like a Man




Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, take off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed

[XIR.Xanton]

So true...

[XIR.[L7]]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'










(You'll love this)












- God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.

[XIR.croom]