Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.[L7]]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY .
"THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SK IN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS
IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR
END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...................







" WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

[XIR.[L7]]

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
Mother
thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy,
the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a
breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.croom]

[MurderDoLL]

LoL

[XIR.[L7]]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa

[XIR.[L7]]

The Why's of Men





1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)




2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)




3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)




4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)




(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)




6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)




7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)




( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)




And the personal favorite:




8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)










The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sha ring everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(Continue below)





















































"THE TEETH."

[XIR.Xanton]

ROFL! The last 1 is hilarious!

[XIR.[L7]]

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.




Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...


'F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehehe!

[XIR.[L7]]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[XIR.[L7]]

One day, in line at the work's cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, 'my elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid. ...a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout.

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife, daughter and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He
deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[XIR.Xanton]