Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

Burglar in someones house. Suddenly he hears a voice
"Jesus is watching you!".

He stops, waits, shines his flashlight. Nothing!

He continues towards the video, then the voice comes
back "I said JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

With this he swivells round and sees a parrot looking at him.

B: "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching'?
P: "Yes it was.
B: "And I suppose you are Jesus?
P: "No, I'm Moses.
B: "And what stupid idiot would call a parrot 'Moses'?
P: "The same stupid idiot that called a rotweiler 'Jesus'

[XIR.Xanton]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived
because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based
paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors and
cabinets, and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or airbags -
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose, and not from a bottle, and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it but we were
never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can, and no
one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into pavements a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no
one minded.

We did not have Play Stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, and no internet chat rooms.

We had friends, we went outside, and found them.

We played street rounders and stingers, and sometimes that ball really
hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law
suits.

We had full-on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.

We played knock-and-run and were actualy afraid of the owners catching
us.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school. We didn't rely on mommy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode BMX's in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.

Congratulations! Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow
as real kids. Before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for
our own good. For those of you who aren't old enough, you might like
to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening....... and it might put a
smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today
were born in 1983.

They are called youth.

They have never heard of 'We are the World, We are the Children' and
the 'Uptown Girl' they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have
never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them, John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films
from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have
pretended to be the A Team, Thundercats, He Man, Night Rid er or the
Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't
even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.

Now, let's check if we're getting old.....

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a
night out.
3. Your friends are all married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing
comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You meet your friends and talk about the good old days, repeating
again all the funny things you have experienced together.
7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too..........
8. Yes, you're getting older!!!

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Xanton]

Marriage...

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"

She replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."

=========================================

My wife and I were happy for 20 years!
--Then we met!

=========================================

Why do men die before their wives?
--They want to.

=========================================

Why do men usually marry women who are
in some ways similar to their mothers ??
--Better the devil you know!

=========================================

Why do men pass gas more than women?
--Because women won't shut up long enough to
build up pressure.

=========================================

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
--Two mothers-in-law

=========================================

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad
as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with
the BODY?"

[XIR.Xanton]

Two Scotsmen are walking down a country lane.
'Och, Douglas,' says Jimmy all of a sudden, 'I dinnae
half need a shit.' 'Well, just go behind a bush and do
it, then,' replies his mate.
So Jimmy goes behind a bush, and after a while he
shouts, 'Have you got any paper?' To which Douglas
replies, 'Och, don't be such a tight bastard. Leave it.'

[XIR.Xanton]

A man walking along a California beach was deep
in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord,
grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his
head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very
materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for
that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.
I want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on
that bridge?"

[XIR.[L7]]

A woman once said a man is like a deck of playing cards... you need:

A heart to love him,

A diamond to marry him,

A club to smash his f**king head in, and

A spade to bury the bastard

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, and another woman once said:

1. It is important that a man helps you around
the house.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and
loves making love to you.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


5. It is extremely important that these four men
don't know each other.

[XIR.Xanton]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey
parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful
bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal
at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel
and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her
mind up. "I'm broadminded and it'll be a laugh having
a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and
takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around
and squawks at the woman "f*ck-me, a new brothel
and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a
brothel" says the woman, indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive
home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes"
complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and
have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f*ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores,
but the same old clients. How ya doin', Jack?"

[XIR.croom]

--> There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

--> There once was this blonde, and she was sitting at the table with her husband eating breakfast before he went to work. Out of the blue the blonde says,"Honey today while your at work I am goning to paint the house." The husband says "No, no dear don't paint the house because then when I come home from work I will just have to clean everything up, just please don't do it." So the husband went to work and when he came home the house smelled like paint. Then he went up to their bedroom, and he saw his wife laying on the floor with 2 coats on and sweating to death. He ran over to her and said, "Honey, honey what's wrong why on earth are you sweating to death?" She got up and grabed the paint cane, went over to her husband and said, "Well look at the can dummy, it says for best results put on 2 coats!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehehe LOL!

[XIR.Xanton]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning.
A man and his wife were spending the day
at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress
-- sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback
gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with
one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and
pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement,
thought this was funny. He suggested that
his wife tease the poor fellow some more
by puckering her lips and wiggling her
bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even
more excited making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested that
she let one of her straps fall to show a little
more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about
to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your
dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla
absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped
open the door to the cage, flung her in with
the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

Then said, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

[XIR.[L7]]

ROFL,

Soooooo True

[XIR.croom]

ROFL....like true life..

-->Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can`t have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can`t have one." Later on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food aLater on,Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," says grandpa. "Then go f*ck yourself!..."

-->One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren`t going to scream, and we`re gonna get killed!"

--> HL: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" DAU: "Yes, I`m having trouble with WordPerfect" HL: "What sort of trouble?" DAU: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." HL: "Went away?" DAU: "They disappeared." HL: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" DAU: "Nothing." HL: "Nothing?" DAU: "It`s blank; it won`t accept anything when I type." HL: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" DAU: "How do I tell?" HL: "Can you see the c:\\prompt on the screen?" DAU: "What`s a sea prompt?" HL: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" DAU: "There isn`t any cursor: I told you, it won`t accept anything I type." HL: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" DAU: "What`s a monitor?" HL: "It`s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it`s on?" DAU: "I don`t know." HL: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" DAU: "Yes, I think so." HL: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it`s plugged into the wall." DAU: "Yes, it is." HL: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" DAU: "No." HL: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." DAU: "Okay, here it is." HL: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it`s plugged securely into the back of your computer." DAU: "I can`t reach." HL: "Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" DAU: "No." HL: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" DAU: "Oh, it`s not because I don`t have the right angle-it`s because it`s dark." HL: "Dark?" DAU: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." HL: "Well, turn on the office light then." DAU: "I can`t." HL: "No? Why not?" DAU: "Because there`s a power outage." HL: "A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we`ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" DAU: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." HL: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought if from." DAU: "Really? Is it that bad?" HL: "Yes, I`m afraid it is." DAU: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" HL: "Tell them you`re too stupid to own a computer."

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO!!!