Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and
had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing
voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you
won't be the last.And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back
to reality: "But Bob, you're a vet."

[XIR.Xanton]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in New
York, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things
progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a
pleasant interlude in which he was sure that he wore her out and gave her
the best orgasm of her life, he modestly asked with a smile, So . . . you
finish?

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This
time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love
making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You
finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and
asks again, "You finish!"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,

.

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"No! I'm Swedish."

[XIR.Xanton]

There were 3 women who died and before God would
let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come
back as anything they wanted.

The first woman said " I want to come back as myself,
but 100 times smarter. So God made her 100 times
smarter.

The second woman said "I want to be better than that
woman, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made
her 1000 times smarter.

The last woman decided she would be the best. So she
said "God, make me better than both of them, make
me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God turned her into a man !!

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL, nice one,

[XIR.Xanton]

OMG, hard enough to learn english (1st one) but now
I have to learn a second kind of english (2nd one)?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry=I'm hungry
I'm sleepy=I'm sleepy
I'm tired=I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance?=I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress!=Nice cleavage!
You look tense... let me give you a massage=I'd like to grope you
What's wrong?=I don't see why you're making such a big deal out ofthis
What's wrong?=What meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong?=I guess sex is out of the question tonight
I'm bored=Do you want to have sex?
I love you=Let's have sex right now
I love you, too=OK I said it! We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=I liked it better the way it was before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair=$50 and it looks about the same as it did before
Let's talk=I'm trying to impress you by showing you I'm a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me?=I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping)Yes, I really like that one=Just pick any dress and let's get out of here
I don't think that blouse and skirt go well together=I'm gay


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No
No=Yes
Maybe=No
I'm sorry=You'll be sorry
We need=I want
It's your decision=The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want=You'll pay for this later
We need to talk=I need to complain
Sure... go ahead!=I don't want you to
I'm not upset =Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly=You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight=Is sex all you ever think about?
Lets be romantic and turn out the lights=I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient=I want a new house
I want new curtains=... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Do you love me?=I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me=I did something today you're not going tolike
I'll be ready in a minute=kick off your shoes and find a good game onTV
Is my butt fat?=Tell me I'm beautiful
You need to learn to communicate=Just agree with me!
Are you listening to me?=Too late, you're dead!
Was that the baby?=Please get out of bed and walk him 'til he's asleep
I'm not yelling=Yes I am yelling because I think this is important!

[XIR.Xanton]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife,
crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden,
he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who
are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am
St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die!
I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only
return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that
being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a
nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster
can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken
run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his
rear end was gonna blow.
Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,"
he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to
explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation
going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for,
and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked
again and squeezed. And you better believe that there
was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he
clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom!! For cryin' out loud! Wake up! You're shittin' all
over the bed!"

[XIR.Xanton]

An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right
hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she
even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."

[XIR.Xanton]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking
account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon sir,
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit, I said I want to open a damn
checking account, Now!"

"I am very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the
bank manager to inform him of the situation. The
manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to such foul language. They both return to the window
and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won
30 million pounds in the damn lottery and I want to open
a damn checking account in this bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you
a hard time".

[XIR.croom]

....muahaha..

--> What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
Her IQ goes up!

--> What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work.


--> Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.

[XIR.Xanton]

His Lordship had arrived from a holiday in Bermuda,
and Jeeves met him with the Rolls at the airport.
"What news from the Manor, Jeeves?"

"Oh, a little bit of bad news, my lord - your little dog,
Toby, has been killed!"

"Oh dear, and he was such a faithful wee beast - how
did it happen?"

"It was the mare, she lashed out and kicked him!"

"Oh dear, and they got on so famously well!"

"Yes, my lord, it was when the stables were burning
down, a beam crasheddown, killing the mare, and she
lashed out and killed the dog!"

"Good grief, Jeeves, how did that happen?"

"It was a spark from the Manor house that caused it!"

"Good grief! The Manor house has burned down, too?"

"Yes, my lord - it was caused by the candle on her
Ladyship's coffin!"

"Goodness gratious me, Jeeves - is there no GOOD news?"

"Well yes, my lord - with the Manor and the stables burning
down, it has warmed the ground, - so the tulips are up two
months early!!"

[XIR.croom]

rofl

--> "Doctor, doctor, during my operation I heard the surgeon use a four-
letter word that upset me very much."
"What word was that?"
"Oops."

--> "Doctor, doctor, I think I've got hermes!"
"Surely you mean herpes?"
"No doctor, you see, I'm a carrier."

-->Jack goes to the doctor and says, "I'm having trouble getting my penis
erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is
that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's
really nothing I can do for you, except if you're willing to try a new
experimental treatment."
"What's the treatment?" Jack asks sadly.
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles
from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it then says, "The thought of going through life
without ever having sex again is too much. I'll have the treatment."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
unzipped his trousers. His penis immediately sprung from his trousers,
went to the table top, grabbed a bread roll, then returned back into
his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
"Well, I think so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my
arse."


-->A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."
"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, LOL excellent! (I really like the last one)

K, here's more:


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
turning offthe light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous.She figured she would break him out of this
crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[XIR.Xanton]

A couple on a date sneak into the girls parent house,
and start canoodling in the front room. "We have to
be very quiet, my parents are asleep upstairs"
whispered the girl.

They got down to the doings and were rollong around
for a while, and when they finished the guy asked to
use the bathroom, as he just had to go.

"You can't go upstairs, you'll wake my parents. Use
the kithchen sink" demanded the girl.

He went into the kitchen and after a couple of minutes
whispered "You got any paper?"

[XIR.Xanton]

Walking into the bar Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one Eddie,
I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah!" said Eddie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really, now that's a switch. What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under the bed you little chicken shit."

[XIR.croom]

--> A tourist goes into an American restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are beautiful . A particularly gorgeous one wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, takes a long look to the stunning waitress , then answers, "A quickie." The waitress shocked with the answer turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."