Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL. nice jokes Thomas

[XIR.Xanton]

Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a
pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and
isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store
assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray
glasses and, bingo! He seeseveryone in the
street naked. He takes them off for a moment,
andeveryonehas their clothes on. Puts the
glasses back on...everyone is naked! 'Cool!'

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show
his new toy to his wife,Judi, but can't find her.
He goes up to the bedroom and finds his
wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes
his glasses off, and the two arestillnaked. He
puts them back on, and they are still naked.

Jon then says: 'Damn, I just paid fifty pounds
for these and they're already broken...

[XIR.Xanton]

There were twin bothers named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an
old dilapidated boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same
day Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, mistaking
him for John. She said to him, "I'm sorry for your great loss. You
must feel terrible."

Joe said, "Oh, hell no. Fact is I'm sorta glad to be rid of her. She
was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing
her water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in
the front, too. The hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked
like crazy and it got to be too hard to keep her upright. But what
really finished her off was these four tough guys who rented her for a
good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted
to have a go with her anyway. The damned fools all tried to get on her
at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl. While they
were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up
the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

[XIR.Xanton]

There was this old couple who had been married for 49 years. On the
morning of their 50th anniversary they were sat at the breakfast table
when the old man said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been
married for exactly 50 years."

"Yes," she replied, "50 years ago we were sitting here at this very
breakfast table together."

"You know, we were probably sat here as naked as new-born babies 50
years ago."

"Well, what do you say? Should we re-live old times?" Whereupon the
two promptly stripped down to their birthday suits and sat down back
at the table.

"You know, honey," said the little old lady breathlessly, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"That doesn't surprise me at all," the man answered, "One's in your
coffee and the other's in your porridge."

[XIR.Xanton]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: 'Da-ad...'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?'
'No. You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad...'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!'
Five minutes later... 'Daaaa-aaaad...'
'WHAT??!!'
'When you come in to spank me,
can you bring me a drink of water?'

[WhErEiSmYaIm]

[XIR.[L7]]

Nice one's bjoern, where do u get emm? i'v not heard those before.

[XIR.croom]

...lol...nice Bjoern

--> The work week
Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

-->Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

[::>FL3A<::]

lol nice one crrom

3 men are doing there last fase of becoming high monks in the temple, the last phase is to withstand being eroused by women, so a naked women is sent into there room, the hihg preiset then attaches a bell to each of their dicks,
the first man meets the naked woman--his bell rings cause he gets a erection. he is sent to go take a cold shower
the sedond man meets the naked woman--his bell rings and is sent to go take a cold shower with the other.
the third man meets the woman--nothing happens...... the high preist says "well done! you have past the final test, go and take a shower with your brothers"
so he goes to take a shower, when he is their with the other 2 men, his bell starts to ring

[XIR.croom]

..lol flea...

--> A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived.
"My goodness!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops
up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to
the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a
tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener
swinging back and forth."

--> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"

--> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and
when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take
out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"

--> hehe....

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and clothes and
quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were
watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

[XIR.[L7]]

ROFL

[XIR.Xanton]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.

The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting
really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure
the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and
measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two
inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore
her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky.
He made some advances towards his wife who completely
brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weenie?"

[XIR.Xanton]

Husband comes home from work. Wife lounges on coach,
smoking, half empty glass of Martini besides her.

H: Hey, you do look depressed. Come on, I invite you to
an evening out.

W: Naaa.

H: Well, need a new dress? Come on, we'll drive downtown
and buy you one.

W: Naaa.

H: How about a coat? I know a shop that just received a
load of precious fur-coats from Russia. Buy you some?

W: Naaa.

H: Well, what about a new car? There's this fine new Jag
available now. Buy you one?

W: Naaa.

H: Come on, honey. I could try to book us on a holiday
trip to the US tomorrow. Think of dinner in New York, hugh?

W: Naaa.

H (somewhat despaired): Oh, darling, I ran out of ideas.
What *do* you want, then?

W: I want a divorce.

H: Damn, I didn't plan on spending *that* much.

[XIR.Xanton]

Top Tips For Cheapskates

• Old telephone directories make ideal personal
  address books. Simply cross out the names and
  addresses of people you don't know.
  
  
• When reading a book, try tearing out the pages
  as you read them. This saves the expense of buying
  a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for
  shopping lists.
  
  
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
  expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video
  remote control up to your ear and occasionally
  swerving across the road and mounting the curb
  
  
• Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator
  door. This will allow you to check that the light goes
  off when the door is closed.
  
  
• Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up,
  removing the wheels and locking them safely in the
  car until you return.
  
  
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield
  wipers to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car
  parked illegally.
  
  
• Take your trash can to the supermarket with you
  so that you can see which items you have recently run
  out of.
  
  
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and
  remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  
  
• Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much
  cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
  
  
• Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables
  by getting someone else to hold them while you chop
  away.

[XIR.Xanton]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce
court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here
that your wife is crazy and that is why you want
a divorce?"

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said
she was f*cking Goofy."