Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL, i love the english jokes, keep em comming Bjoern.

[XIR.croom]

--> One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."


--> What is the difference between a lady coming out of a bath and a lady coming out of a curch?? The lady from the church has got a soul full of hope and the lady from the bath has got a hole full of soap!

[XIR.[L7]]

Whats the difference between a lady thief, and a prostitute?

One's got sox in her pocket, the others got pox in her socket!

[XIR.Xanton]

OMG! LOL!

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers
the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same
guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't
wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

---> A man was walking down the street when he noticed a
bald-headed man walking towards him. As they got nearer, the
first man noticed a lump, shaped like a frog, on the other
man's bald head. Curious, the first man said, "How long have
you had that?" The frog replied, "Well, he started as a boil
on my bum!"

---> 3 Brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry, all have unusually
large feet. Tom and Harry are both size 20, but Dick's are a
whopping size 28. Tom and Harry decide to have a night on
the town and whilst in a bar, notice a group of women
looking over and laughing. Harry asks the group what they
are laughing at and one of the women apologies, but says
they cant get over the size of their feet. Harry laughs and
tells the women "if you think these are big, you should see
the size of our Dick's "

[XIR.Xanton]

He said - she said

He said...Do you love me just because
my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you
no matter who left you the money.

He said..."This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by
coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...
I ran out of money.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you,
I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said...You have a flat chest and
need to shave your legs,
have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?

He said...Why do you women always try
to impress us with your looks,
not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance
that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said...What have you been doing with all
the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said...Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.

[XIR.[L7]]

Very true,

[XIR.Xanton]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to
complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome
instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything
you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can
do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch,
my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be
done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your
problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find
a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a
log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry
me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less
to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He
called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches
shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But
it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the
frog to marry him again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back,
"NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and
it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is
fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches
long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a
monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he
looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry
me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How
many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into
pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone,
staggering under a huge buck. "Where's Harry?" asked his
friend. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's
partner answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," he explained, "but I figured no
one is going to steal Harry."

[XIR.Xanton]

---> Did you hear about the veterinarian who was also a
taxidermist? No matter what happens, you'll always get your
dog back.

---> He: It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some
idea of what you would like for your birthday. She: I want a
divorce!! Pause He: I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned
to spend that much.

---> An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a
traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked
the guy in the Rolls. "Of course I do," replied the haughty
deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The
driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too." "Then do you
have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to
know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That
afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his
auto. A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG
Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back
windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver
pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's
back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want
you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the
Rolls driver. The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me
out of the shower to tell me that?"

[XIR.Xanton]

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same
office. The first one goes in for his interview and the
interviewer says,

"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be
seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same
question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that
he'll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third
guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got
any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice
when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you
know that, son?"

The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't
wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar is closing, so the drunk stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat
on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his
home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat
on his face. He crawled through the door and into his
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but
he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the
second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."

[XIR.TDP]

Great jokes!

Here are some genuine examples of warnings found on products:

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTON FROM A TORNADO

On a bottle of insect repellant in New Zealand:
NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

In a US guide to setting up a computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING
(sensible, but these instructions are inside the boxes)

On the bottom of cola bottles, in some countries:
OPEN OTHER END

On a Korean kitchen knife:
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On christmas lights, made in China:
FOR OUTDOOR OR INDOOR USE ONLY

On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH HANDS OR GENITALS

On the bottom of Tesco's tiramisu:
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN

On a child's cough medcine bottle:
DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION

On a hotel shower cap:
FITS ONE HEAD

On packaging for an iron:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

And finally....

On a child's superman costume:
WARNING: WEARING THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

[XIR.Xanton]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when
the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer,
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you
try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you,
your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your
soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of
your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the
souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So,
what's the catch?"

[XIR.croom]

Conversation in a hotel......

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Room service Translation (RST): "Morning, room service"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
RST: "Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"
RST: "How would you like them?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
RST: "How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
RST: "How would you like the bacon? Crisp?" [=kross]

G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
RST: "OK. And some toast?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
RST: "Some toast. Would you like some toast?"
G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
RST: "No? You don?t want toast?"
G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?
RST: "Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ?
How about an English Muffin with butter?"
G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
RST: "With Butter?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
RST: "What?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
RST: "Coffee?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
RST: "Coffee? Tea? Milk?"
G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?"
RST: "One minute. That's room twenty-three, scrambled eggs,
crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side,
and coffee. Right?"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
RST: "Thank you very much"
G : "You're welcome"