Jokes (English)

[XIR.croom]

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

[XIR.croom]

--> John Paul II in an interview:
"I went to America. They asked me: Why do You come to America?
I said: I come to America to polish my English.
So they said to me: Your English is polish enough!"


--> A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother:
"What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says:
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO, great! Luv that John Paul II one!

[XIR.Xanton]

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously.
After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff
realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good
at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the
job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "You just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked
her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no,
you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’

So I said: "I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’"

[XIR.Xanton]

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the
police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the
officer.
"I juggle them in my act," answers the man.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the
juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit
drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

[::>FL3A<::]

lol funny

[XIR.Xanton]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death
experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if
this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30
years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in
the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast
augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in
and change her hair color. She figures since she's got
another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She
walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is
killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you
said I had another 30 years. God replies, "I didn't
recognize you.

[XIR.Xanton]

---> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it
up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said,
'You are.'"

---> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that
the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're
calling from.'"

--->"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a
skip outside my house.'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'

[XIR.croom]

--> The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."


--> My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.
Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.
Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.
Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."


--> A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant - first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[XIR.Xanton]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big
sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR
OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind
of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from
the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck
drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape
around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.
"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his
truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers
to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load, so remembering what
happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of
the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were
in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's illegal to bait
'em."

[XIR.Xanton]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and
orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double
martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double
martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long . But you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When
she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[XIR.Xanton]

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
ommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your
seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good
leads."

[XIR.Xanton]

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing
naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is
it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks
in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello
there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"

[XIR.Xanton]

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a
cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the
hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said
he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on
the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I
take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all
mine."

[XIR.Xanton]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that,
because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000
in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the
prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I
guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At
that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed
in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when
he's drunk.'' This woke up the guy in the back seat, who,
when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get
far in this stolen car.'' At that moment, there was a knock
from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border
yet?''