Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a
gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been
checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk
to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying
out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and
snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops
her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up
to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the
woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go
back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the
bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild
passionate sex over and over all night.

The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up
and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No she replies....

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Wait for it.... Wait for that punchline.....

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It's coming.............

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The suspense is killing you ........

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"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye.".

[XIR.Xanton]

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and
everybody complimented him on how athletic and
well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he
cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some
75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to
keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On
our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had
a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and
take a walk."

[XIR.Xanton]

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub
somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman
who comes over immediately. When he arrives she seductively
signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he
does so she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full
and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking
his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she
continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him," she says,"that there is no toilet paper or hand
soap in the ladies room."

[XIR.Xanton]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came
down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to
bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can
do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues
to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good
deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the
bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,
winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the
male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the
pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

[XIR.Xanton]

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the
word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or
orange..."
Second little boy says..."Trees are definitely green"
The teacher replies, "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees
are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."
Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[XIR.Xanton]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when
one of the men asked the other, 'Fred, how was the memory
clinic you went to last month?'
'Outstanding,' Fred replied. 'They taught us all the latest
psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made
a huge difference for me.'
'That's great! What was the name of the clinic?'
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't
remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, 'What do
you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?'
'You mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's it!' He turned to his wife. . .'Rose, what was
the name of that clinic?'

[XIR.Xanton]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the
doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to
have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor
thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have
for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me
sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued,
"How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange
juice and I sleep better at night."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses,
golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the
Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the
guy who pissed in your saxophone."

[XIR.Xanton]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !!! "

[XIR.Xanton]

Three guys show up at the pearly gates, a carpenter, a
lawyer, and a preacher. St. Peter is taking them to their
residences. First stop is at a huge, beautiful house for the
carpenter. When they get to the second stop is is for the
lawyer. The place is fantastic with a welcoming crowd, a
choir of angels and a great celebration. The preacher
thinks, "I'll really get a great place." They arrive at a
modest cottage for the preacher. Puzzled, the preacher asks,
"i don't want to complain, but why did the carpenter get a
better house since I have been pious and a supporter of the
Lord." St. Peter says, "Well, Jesus was a carpenter and he
always loves carpenters." The preacher says, "That makes
sense but I don't understand the grand party and fantastic
house for the lawyer." St. Peter says, "Oh, that's easy to
explain, he's the first lawyer to ever make it up here."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?" he asked.

"Terrific, wonderful menus." says the old man. "And the
nursing?" inquired the young man. "Just couldn't be better.
These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all -
nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock, they bring me a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so
rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving my
85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we
give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[XIR.Xanton]

An man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll
you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds
to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until
they're gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You
don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it
and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers,
one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to
each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink
together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness
Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender
thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them
and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is,
and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your
brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit
drinking."

[XIR.Xanton]

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly
as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said,
surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

[XIR.Xanton]

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs
up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a
hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL
FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!" The drunk looks up, ignores
it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to
warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

[XIR.TDP]

More great jokes Bjorn! Keep them coming.

The other day, I met a genie - he was shaking a lot and saying "I'm really scared, but I don't know why!". I said, "You've lost your bottle!"

I've got a friend who, for some reason, has always had the ambition of being run over by a steam train. So the other day, me and some mates took him over to the railway station, and tied him to the tracks. He was chuffed to bits.

There was a history teacher and a psychology teacher on holiday at a nudist camp. They were sat outside talking. The history teacher said to the psychology teacher: "Have you read Marx?"
"Yeah," said the psychology teacher, "I think it's these wicker chairs!"