Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe nice ones mate!

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high
tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him
privately and presented him with three numbered
envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO
said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months
later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching
a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the
envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully
laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied
with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded
positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly
opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company
once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his
office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, ..."Prepare three envelopes."

[XIR.Xanton]

A slightly more than middle-aged couple were out for a drive
through the countryside. They reached a familiar spot in the
road, and the wife says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same
thing we did here forty years ago!"

The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence,
and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a june bug. They
make love like never before. She was SCREAMING, and
GYRATING, and SHAKING uncontrollably. When it was all over,
much to her husband's surprise, she passed out cold.

After he had revived her, and got her back into the car, the
husband, quite astounded, says, "Darlin', you sure never
moved like that forty years ago... or any time since that I
can remember." The woman, gasping for breath, finally able
to speak, says: "Honey, forty years ago that @#!!*& fence
wasn't ELECTRIFIED!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a
long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I
am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen
from you and I never will; we have been friends for too
long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true
confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I
am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your
husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have
been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess
something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit
on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long
for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to
make also. I am an uncontrolable gossip, and I have some
phone calls to make!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And
what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of
course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same
bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head
& mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the
Murphy twins are drunk again."

[XIR.Xanton]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing
next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing
there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how
the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to
help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure,
I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps,
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks
something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points
for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your
penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't
know, but I ain't touching it."

[XIR.Xanton]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean? 100 Pounds?"

[XIR.Xanton]

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in
sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give
her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me
this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to
help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle
of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are
experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY
powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just
ONE."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the
kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, he pulls the
pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.
He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second
pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they
were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his
own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert
and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish,
his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a
strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a
tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies,

"Me too.."

[XIR.Xanton]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60
years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the
last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest
in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to
their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen
and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going
to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course
the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is
heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the
old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of
whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your
damned bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class
a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an
experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor
putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and
wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[XIR.Xanton]

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma.
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out
of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care
unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid"
the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said
"But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37" came the weak reply from Lena.

[XIR.Xanton]

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend
and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied,
"Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught
fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What
are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had
in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am
with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you
start a flood?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham,
bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the
pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to
the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all,
brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing
that they are all still standing around, he concludes that
the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the
truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing
around. "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all
day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell
him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them
is honking the horn."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room
for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame
on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone
rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"
"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the
same guy called again."

[XIR.Xanton]

You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51". Late
one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot
into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,
and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of
fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on
the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded
the plane ... only this time there were two people in the
plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey,
here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"