Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts
to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as
soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and
drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they
can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that
it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make
fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as
a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he
tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage
next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of
course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going
up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the
furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so
scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with
the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming
and yelling, "Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and
pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[XIR.TDP]

Nice one Bjorn! ROFL!!

[XIR.Xanton]

OK, for all our females in this forum who bravely
suffered all of our bad taste jokes here's one especially
for you!


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord,
I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will
like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's
aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him
in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He
will be witless and will revel in childish things like
fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so
he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman."

[XIR.Xanton]

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first
time. Goes up & down the isles with his son, at the local
Giant Food Store.

<Dad> "Vas diss?? Powdered Orange Juice??"

<Son> "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh 'orange juice'."

.........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> " Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?? "

<Son> Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh milk!"

........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> "Und give a kook here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country,
vat a country!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had
car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night
with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only
have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the
barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the
desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the
barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down
for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer
opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that
is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few
minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on
the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your
helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my
country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy
ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He
grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there
stood.... The pig and the cow.

[XIR.[L7]]

i like that last one

[[aMiGo]]

FUNNY HAHA

[XIR.Xanton]

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the
waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the
soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We
have some very good roast beef today."

"Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and
comes back with a plate of roast beef , and his thumb is in
the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides
to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.

"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb
stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting
furious.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes,
he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup
of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain
himself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've
come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my
thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

[XIR.Sticklyman]

LMAO

[XIR.Xanton]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently
married couple's house.

She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw
her daughter-in law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. "Love
dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy
and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would
leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and
left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When
she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing!"

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.Xanton]

Conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit.

[XIR.Xanton]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by
the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me" said one
boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery,
and he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just
knew what it was. "Oh, my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and
the Lord dividing soul at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come
here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard.
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, though, the man
hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy,
you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the
devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last
one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."

[EvO]

[XIR.Xanton]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately
the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of
it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the
car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both
house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my
keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people and all the time the darn
phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands
and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.
When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and
broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister,
I TOLD HER!"