Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the
corner." She quickly rubbed

baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I
got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not
even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood
like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."

[XIR.Xanton]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled
look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She
told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She
replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother
said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was
conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn
Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[EvO]

[XIR.[L7]]

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied,
"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he questioned her as
to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV with
the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.

The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm
watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.Xanton]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"

[XIR.Xanton]

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade
teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected
at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of
the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the
impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap
and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother
or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store
looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help
her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but
I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

[XIR.croom]

[XIR.Xanton]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed
feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the
desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft
sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these
great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the
trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why
have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother,
now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there
to help us store water for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That`s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[XIR.Xanton]

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in
the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid,
so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the
bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have
paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do
you think kept bidding against you?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A man was on a hiking holiday in a foreign country. He
became thirsty, so he decided to stop at a stranger's home
to ask for something to drink.

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl
of soup by the fire.

There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up
to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this
friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's
his bowl you're using!"

[XIR.Xanton]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out........until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said..........."I'm here to feed
the alligator.!!!"

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

[XIR.Xanton]

What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

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The taste.

[XIR.Xanton]

Two drunks are walking along the road in London.
One turns to the other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"

"No, it's Thursday."

"So am I! Let's go for a drink."