Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg
and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg
and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the
post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked
over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[XIR.croom]

...yeah that is a thing you cant explain your wife...muahahaha

[XIR.Xanton]

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had
seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple
of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30
years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections
left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting
for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we
should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list
on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

[XIR.Xanton]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,"
sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer
who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and
shot the pheasant right out of the tree.



Moral of the Story:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

[XIR.Xanton]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New
York.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They
stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know
why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's
a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When
the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that
were available for the husband and wife to use. He also
explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man
replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the
manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the
check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.Xanton]

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind
him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge
frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I
bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three
days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and
she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that
for this time?' She answered, 'Your horse called.'

[XIR.Xanton]

A mother and father took their 6-year old son to a nude
beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that
some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's and
asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have
larger penises than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is."

Again, satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the
ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his
mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach
and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[XIR.Xanton]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all
over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then
jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in
his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the
cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He
eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the
cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he
has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you
see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled
it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He
still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that
damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[XIR.Xanton]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The
father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers
above the walls light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman
stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your
mother."

[XIR.Xanton]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying
somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board:
the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a
hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded
loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin
began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the
pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The
bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The
good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one
of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and
jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he
said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs
great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should
have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the
remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into
the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's
smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's
smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one,
and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at
one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he
said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the
bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of
you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the
plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop.
The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my
backpack."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite
out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the
hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
"Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see
what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his
demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it
under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you
should see him make donuts."

[XIR.Rawhide]

[XIR.Xanton]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To
celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and
climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad
immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the
newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a
change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the
front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the
beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm
gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you
drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen
years."

[XIR.Xanton]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of
the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut
it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they
continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his
action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said
don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and
they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his
action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with
you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really
am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get
the taste out of my mouth."