Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if
he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never
open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she
notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside
and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He
explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf
ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't
bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied
"Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[XIR.Xanton]

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine
when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have
any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along
with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them
along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into
the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large
as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his
gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the
grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use
the help!"

[XIR.[L7]]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and
sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big
mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's
tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't
remember much after that!"

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO! Nice one Clive!

[XIR.Xanton]

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but
the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all
female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very
jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife
that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that
she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months
all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery
store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls
standing in line behind her talking about college and their
instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how
great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The
cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great
day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in
line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was
related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college.
Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set
off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith
was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he
got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning
the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she
heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you
find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You
know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he
tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off
and he just quit."

[XIR.Xanton]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how
much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars,"
the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man
says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says,
"if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down
to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too
expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans
the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist,
scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I
suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous,"
says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits
down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little
bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her
and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog
struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't
remember eating that!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the
Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you
gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking
meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his
stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I
believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big
man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you
have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four
week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could
your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog
choked on her, sir."

[XIR.Xanton]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his
engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The
puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The
driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just
groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned
and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly
then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Pete," the
man moaned. "Where ya from, Pete?" With pain in his voice
Pete replied "The balcony."

[XIR.Xanton]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love
to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to
eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his
wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he
asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife
gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for
awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say
something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to
that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

[XIR.[L7]]

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, nice 1 Clive!

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had
one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf
bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster
lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks
the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will
you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie
hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there,
waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to
darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is
heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million
bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers,'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

[XIR.Xanton]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the
gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as
is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the
telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and
there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with
next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him
up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up
here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[XIR.Rawhide]

ENGLISH IRISH &SCOTSMAN WERE CAUGHT DRINKING IN SAUDI ARABIA

BECAUSE THE SAUDI PRINCE LIKES TOURISTS HE SAID BEFORE U RECIEVE 50 LASHES U MAY HAVE 1 WISH SHOULD THIS BE IN MY POWER I WILL GRANT U THIS WISH

THE IRISH MAN SAID I WISH FOR A PILLOW ON MY BACK BEFORE I RECIEVE MY 50 LASHES

HIS WISH WAS GRANTED AND HE GOT HIS 50 LASHES

ENGLISH MAN THINKING NOT 2 B OUTDONE BY THE IRISH MAN HE WISHES FOR 2 PILLOWS FOR HIS BACK

HIS WISH WAS GRANTED AND HE GOT HIS 50 LASHES

JUST BEFORE THE SCOTSMAN WAS ABOUT 2 SPEAK THE PRINCE SAID I THINK THE SCOTTISH ARE GREAT U MAY HAVE 2 WISHES

THE SCOTSMAN THINKS HARD THEN REPLIES I WANT 200 LASHES AS MY FIRST WISH
THE PRINCE AGREES TO THIS WISH AND SAYS ONLY A REAL MAN WOULD ASK FOR SUCH A THING OR A FOOL

THE SCOTSMAN SAID I AM NO FOOL MY SECOND WISH IS

I WANT THE ENGLISHMAN TIED 2 MY BACK