Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Xanton]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their
life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy
Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect
car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa
Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the
survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa
Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women
stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why
there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and
you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women
never listen, either.

[XIR.Rawhide]

IT WAS THE GERMAN JOKE OR ATLEAST I HEARD IT THERE

[XIR.Xanton]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking
a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. There was a young man in the
driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady
in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He
walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man
looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it
look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat,
the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young
man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look
like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the
officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well,
in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[XIR.Xanton]

One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about
Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the
teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!",
said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl,"
Where is Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in
my heart!". The teacher beamed at little Emily and said,
"How very sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy,
where is Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said
assuredly. "Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said.
Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you
still in there!!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the President sits, head in hands, crying
quietly.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and goes up to the clerk. He is
really timid, but he needs to be safe. He clears his throat
and asks the clerk if he has any condoms. The clerk asks him
what kind he'd like and how many. Seeing as this is the boys
first time buying condoms, he explains that tonight is the
first night him and his girlfriend are going to have sex and
that he's never had to buy condoms. The clerk laughs and
they start talking for awhile. After about 10 minutes the
boy makes his selection thanks the clerk, and walks out of
the store.

Later that night he goes to his girlfriend's house to have
dinner, and after that, they planned on going to lovers
lane. At dinner, the girl notices her boyfriends head is
down...

Thinking he is trying to say Grace, she asks her parents to
bow their heads too. After saying grace she looks over at
her boyfriend and notices that his head is still down. She
leans in and says, "What the hell are you doing?!"

The boyfriend responds... "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist...."

[XIR.Xanton]

"A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what
is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me
what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied,
"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh
My God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the
brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would
buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back
to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied,
"Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million
Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're
living with two Sluts and a Queer."

[XIR.Xanton]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then
went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he
became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority
of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000
square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all
the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were
talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends
said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man
replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other
day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a
brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

[XIR.Xanton]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and
says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that
every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE
OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do
that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout
the command. The race begins and they approach the first
hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice
and the horse crashes straight through the center of the
jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,
somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's
ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight
through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll
have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the
earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this
bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's
BLIND!''

[XIR.Xanton]

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a
rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might
know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be
the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful.

"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my
bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of
all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some
wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

[XIR.Xanton]

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see
advertised in phone booths. He decided to phone one called
Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo --
beautiful. So he picked up the card and dialed the number.
"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want
it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night,
you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do
the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how
does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line
you press 9."

[XIR.Xanton]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their
seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

[XIR.Xanton]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate
some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his
sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever
repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all
the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on
the cheek."

[XIR.Xanton]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from
the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know this
car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut
for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT
THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."