Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center
of a national pager company. He deals with the usual
complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the
occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often,
more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that
he keeps being paged by 'Lucille.' He was instructed that he
would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

'She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back,'
he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew
it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

'She leaves her name,' was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numericonly
pager, the light bulb came on.

'How does she spell her name?' the service rep asked.

'L-O-W C-E-L-L'

Another problem solved.

[XIR.Xanton]

A little boy named, Bobby asked his mother one day, "Mom,
how old are you?" His mom said, "Now, now, Bobby. That's a
personal question. You don't ask those kinds of personal
questions to women."

Then Bobby proceeded to ask, "How much do you weigh?" HIs
mother replied, "You're too young to understand that, and
you don't ask those kind of questions of women."

But he still had more questions, "Why did Dad leave us?" His
mom answered, "You're too young to understand that. I'll
tell you when you're older."

So Bobby goes back to school and tells little Dustin,
"Dustin, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or
how much she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my
questions!" Little Dustin replied, "You should go into her
wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions
will be answered."

So Bobby goes back home and looks into his mom's purse and
looks at her driver's license. Then Bobby smugly said to his
mom, "Mom, you're 39 years old." His mother replied, "Yeah,
that's right I am."

"And you weigh 142 lbs." Bobby continued. "Yupp that's
right," his mother replied.

"One last thing. I know why dad left us." Bobby's mom said,
"Oh really, and why is that?" Little Bobby replied, "Because
you got an F in sex."

[XIR.Xanton]

A middle-aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three
mean-looking bikers walked in. The first walked over to the
man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second
biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up
the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor. Without saying a
word, the man got up and left. "He wasn't much of a man, was
he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of
a truck driver, either," she said. "He just backed his truck
over 3 motorcycles."

[XIR.Xanton]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL,, Thats me,,,, i'm only 26 realy

[XIR.Xanton]

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all
the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having
figured out how the magician made everything in the act
disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and
not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure
out.

One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the
ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the
magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a
piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing
from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched
on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the
magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this
time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the
magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot,
still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,
"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the goddamn ship?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other
guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What
can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:
“Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's
voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A great dane, a scotty, and a chihuahua were sitting in a
bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful bitch walked in.

"Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of
whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the
words 'cheese' and 'liver'."

The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like
cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He
panted and wagged his tail.

The lady just looked away.

The scotty immediately said "I like cheese, and I like
liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly.

She ignored him.

Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me."

They left together.

[XIR.Xanton]

Edit: Oops, sorry...

[XIR.[L7]]

LOL, wrong column, i think

[XIR.Xanton]

A man and a parrot sit next to each other in a plane. The
service in the plane is really bad, the man hasn’t had a
drink for hours and he’s starting to dehydrate. The parrot
on the other hand is getting drink after drink by the
harrowed cabin crew. Each time the parrot orders a drink it
does so with a lot of cursing and shouting. The man decides
to follow the same tactic and starts shouting: “he b*tch get
me a whiskey!". To his suprise he gets his whiskey and
follows through with the same tactic. Soon, both man and
parrot outdo each other in shouting and insults untill the
cabin crew has had enough. They grab the man and parrot and
throw them out of the plane. Now both of them are plummeting
towards the ground below when the parrot says to the man:
“boy, for someone who can’t fly you sure do curse a lot".

[XIR.Xanton]

frank calls his closest friends together - a doctor, a
priest and a lawyer - and gives each of them $75,000 saying
"take this and do what you like with it. all i ask is that
when i die, you return me the money and bury it with me."
the pact is made and the friends part. But the day finally
arrives, and the remaining 3 friends have gathered at the
funeral, each laying an envelope in the coffin before their
friend is buried.

over a solemn cup of coffee, the priest breaks his silence -
"i've let frank down. sure, i put the money in, but not all
of it - i used $20,000 to rebuild the church that burnt down
last year!". The doctor chimes in - "I too have let him
down... but still for a good cause - I took $30,000 for new
beds in a children's ward!"

At this, the lawyer shakes his head. "i am dissapointed in
the both of you. good causes - that doesn't make good for
the pact we made! You have each taken from Frank - I, on the
other hand have placed in his coffin my PERSONAL cheque for
the full $75,000!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Three guy's were asked what they would like people to say
about them when they were looking at them as they lay in
their coffins after they had died.
The first guy said he would like people to say he was a good
guy and a great mate, the second guy said he would like
people to say he always did the right thing and he was a
good guy, after a bit of thought the third guy said he would
like people to say........ he's moving!!

[XIR.Xanton]

An Englishman, a German, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were
sitting in a pub sipping their pints. Discussion eventually
turned to exactly how stupid their respective wives were.

The Englishman said, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the grocery and bought $300 worth of fresh
meat because it was on sale -- but we don't even have a
fridge to keep it in!"

The German said, "That's nothing. My wife just spent $1,000
on ski equipment, and she doesn't even ski!"

The Scotsman agreed that his mates' wives sounded pretty
thick, but he declared his wife to be even thicker in the
head. "Why, she's so stupid that just last week she went out
and spent $17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know
how to drive!"

The Irishman continued to drink his drink and look
thoughtful. At length he nodded sagely in agreement and
allowed that all three women "sounded as if they had walked
naked through the stupid forest and been hit by every
branch." However, the Irishman stubbornly refused to concede
that any woman was stupider than his wife. "My wife left to
go on a trip to Greece," he explained, "and I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in
it -- and she doesn't even have a penis!"