Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When
you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and
a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

[XIR.Xanton]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[XIR.*Star]

I know there's loads of these but...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine gender (''la computadora''), because....


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (''el computador''), because ....


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.silverfox]

Male/Female/Male/Female/Male/Female

OMG..I'm gonna be thinking about that allll night

[XIR.Sticklyman]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she ov ercomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

[XIR.Xanton]

LMAO!

[L!sa]

ROFL good one

[XIR.croom]

muahahahaha.....

[XIR.[L7]]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN;"Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN:"A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN:" I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models, I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: $90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for $90,000, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty
good price."

WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape...He smiles and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[XIR.Xanton]

LOL! That poor guy...

[XIR.Xanton]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she
was discharged from the hospital and went home, her
relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can
visit for awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May
we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,
"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see
the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded.  "Why do we have to wait
until he CRIES??"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

[XIR.[L7]]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[XIR.Xanton]

OMG!

[XIR.Xanton]

A Canadian archaeologist from Bishops University dug down
100 meters down and found a roll of copperwire. He
proclaimed that the canadians had telefones about 100 years
ago.

A Mexican archaeologist from Ulane University, dug down 200
meters and found some silicium. He proclamed that the
original Mexicans had fiberoptics about 200 years ago.

An American archaeologist from Yale university dug down 300
meters and found nothing! He proclaimed that the Americans
had wireless technology about 300 years ago.