Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

Very true.

[XIR.*Star]

How yodelling began...

Once upon a time a young cross-country skier was making his way across the Alps in Switzerland. It was starting to get dark so when he came across a farm house he negotiated a fee to stay the night. The farmer told him to stay away from his two daughters. In the morning the farmer gets up to find the skier had already taken off down the mountain. The farmer calls out, “I want a word with you. You knocked off my two daughters.”
The skier stops, turns around and sings out,
“Andyouroldladytoo!”

[XIR.Xanton]

ROFL! Excellent!

[XIR.[L7]]

Q... What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name

A... You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

[XIR.Xanton]

Little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage Bags with her, one in each hand. There's a
hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."   "Damn!" says the
little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some.  Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get
all that money?"   "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck!  By
the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

[XIR.Xanton]

Little April usually slept through class. One day the
teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me,
April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and
 Saviour,"

But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,
Johnny came to the  rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS
CHRIST!" shouted  April and the teacher said, "Very good,"
and April  fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.  "What did
Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And
again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.  This  time April
jumped up and  shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN
ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL  BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP
YOUR  ASS!"

The Teacher fainted !!!!

[XIR.croom]

..

[XIR.croom]

..

[XIR.Sticklyman]

This is not really a joke but it is a funny story

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[XIR.Xanton]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because
I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can
get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I
love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[XIR.Xanton]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.  The woman
rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
 She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please
allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told
him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.  But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to
help him.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to
the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands
inside.  After a short massage she asked him, "How does that
feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb
still hurts like hell!"

[XIR.Xanton]

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of a
store when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the
saloon, walked around behind his horse and slapped his mouth
full on its rectum.

One of the stunned women cried: That's disgusting, why did
you do that?" to which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped
lips." Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them
feel better?".

"No," said the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking them.

[XIR.Xanton]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.  The
personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to
report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM,
there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this
new employee.  He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory
floor to show him the problem.  Sure enough, Elmos are
backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the
new employee.  She has a roll of the material used for the
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.  After
several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to
the woman, and says, "I'm sorry,  I guess you misunderstood
me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[XIR.Xanton]

A man came home from watching a rugby match between
Ireland and France.

His young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish
skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."

[XIR.Xanton]

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding.
As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell
me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied,
"Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment
of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.