Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

Phew, thats a relief, i must be all oldman

[XIR.Xanton]

Deep Thoughts

• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
  
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

[XIR.Xanton]

A professional hypnotist had been engaged by an old folks
home to provide an evening's entertainment.

After his introductory remarks, the hypnotist pulled out a
fine pocket watch on a long gold chain and indicated he
would now demonstrate how easily an audience like the one in
attendance could be induced to follow his every command. He
told them that the heirloom watch had been in his family for
over a hundred years and was worth nearly a thousand pounds.

Swinging the watch gently from side to side, he murmured
soft words of encouragment to lull the group into a deep
sleep. Soon, all eyes in the audience were following the
movement of the watch and this continued for several
minutes. Suddenly, the chain slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and the watch crashed to the floor, breaking into
bits and pieces.

"Oh, shit," he exclaimed.

Took staff a day and a half to clean the auditorium.

[XIR.Xanton]

Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a
jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the
refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it
away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in
with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on
my way down." The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm
glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she
rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must
be the door, I'll get it!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the
country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches
our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones,

"I'd better not go."

[XIR.croom]

..

[XIR.croom]

..

[WhErEiSmYaIm]

Dear all, I don't know if you shop at Tesco, but this may be
useful to know. I am warning you of something that happened to me, as I have
become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at
Tesco in Bristol and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two
good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your
shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and
Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and
they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each
other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral
sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen
last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also
yesterday. !

[XIR.[L7]]

Sorry WhErEiSmYaIm, but that scam has already been posted. hehe.

[XIR.[L7]]

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven, St Peter asks 1st nun, have you ever had contact with a penus? She says i touched 1 wiv my finger, St Peter says dip it in holy water. He then asks next nun, i fondled 1, put ur hand in holy water, Suddenly theres a commotion, a nun pushed to the front, St Peter asks what's up. If im gonna gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Ann sticks her arse in it!

[XIR.Xanton]

[WhErEiSmYaIm]

Cthon98: hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
Cthon98: ********* see!
AzureDiamond: hunter2
AzureDiamond: doesnt look like stars to me
Cthon98: AzureDiamond: *******
Cthon98: thats what I see
AzureDiamond: oh, really?
Cthon98: Absolutely
AzureDiamond: you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
AzureDiamond: haha, does that look funny to you?
Cthon98: lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
AzureDiamond: thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
Cthon98: yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
AzureDiamond: awesome!
AzureDiamond: wait, how do you know my pw?
Cthon98: er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as
hunter2 cause its your pw
AzureDiamond: oh, ok.

[WhErEiSmYaIm]

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker why do you kick me
bitchchecker can't you discus normally
bitchchecker answer!
Elch we didn't kick you
Elch you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker what ping man
bitchchecker the timing of my pc is right
bitchchecker i even have dst
bitchchecker you banned me
bitchchecker amit it you son of a bitch
HopperHunter|afk LOL
HopperHunter|afk shit you're stupid, DST^^
bitchchecker shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
bitchchecker for two weaks already
bitchchecker when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
Elch You're a real computer expert
bitchchecker shut up i hack you
Elch ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
bitchchecker tell me your network number man then you're dead
Elch Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
Elch or maybe 127.0.0.1
Elch yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
bitchchecker in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
Elch Now I'm frightened
bitchchecker shut up you'll be gone
bitchchecker i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
bitchchecker say goodbye
Elch to whom?
bitchchecker to you man
bitchchecker buy buy
Elch I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
Metanot lol
Elch bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
bitchchecker you're so stupid man
bitchchecker say buy buy
Metanot ah, [Please control your cussing] off
bitchchecker buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve... Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker elch you son of a bitch
Metanot bitchchecker how old are you?
Elch What's up bitchchecker?
bitchchecker you have a frie wal
bitchchecker fire wall
Elch maybe, i don't know
bitchchecker i'm 26
Metanot such behaviour with 26?
Elch how did you find out that I have a firewall?
Metanot tststs this is not very nice missy
bitchchecker because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
bitchchecker be a man turn that shit off
Elch cool, didn't know this was possible.
bitchchecker thn my virus destroys your pc man
Metanot are you hacking yourselves?
Elch yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
Metanot he bitchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
bitchchecker yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
Metanot what firewall do you have?
bitchchecker like a girl
Metanot firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
He Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
bitchchecker turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
Elch Noo
Metanot he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
bitchchecker you're afraid
bitchchecker i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
bitchchecker elch turn off your shit wall!
Metanot i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
bitchchecker shut up
Metanot lol
bitchchecker my grandma surfs with fire wall
bitchchecker and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall

He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.

Elch bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
Metanot bitchhacker can't hack
Black<TdV nice play on words ^^
bitchchecker wort man
Elch bitchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
Metanot how many times again he is no hacker
bitchchecker man do you want a virus
bitchchecker tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
Metanot lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
Elch 127.0.0.1
Elch it's easy
bitchchecker lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
bitchchecker and are the first files being deleted
Elch mom...
Elch i'll take a look

In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?

bitchchecker don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
Elch that's bad
bitchchecker elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
Elch yes, there's nothing i can do about it
bitchchecker and in 20 seconds f: is gone

Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.

bitchchecker tupac rules
bitchchecker elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too

Drive E Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?

bitchchecker and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
He why doesn't meta say anything
Elch he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
Black<TdV ^^
bitchchecker your d: is gone
He go on BITCH


The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.

bitchchecker elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
bitchchecker i'm already at c: 30 percent

Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "bitchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout". We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

Notice: We are well completely aware that maybe bitchchecker was just playing a game with us. He also claimed to have german as his major field of study.
bitchchecker shut up man i have advanced german

[XIR.Xanton]

Hehe, nice one!


The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the
new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes,
dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix
it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter drinks................................ And
believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

[XIR.Xanton]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City, where women may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and
the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends
the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs
and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She
goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with
the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor
and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor
exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....