Jokes (English)

[XIR.[L7]]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
Section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, Gently
wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
Seconds. The man went back to his reading.


A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
Her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that The woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the
Shuddering. A few more minutes passed; when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she Took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman And
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three Times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you ok?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
Never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking
anything For it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[XIR.Xanton]

LOL, good one!

[XIR.[L7]]

3 Minute Management Course

.Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and
leaves.

the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the
next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes
me?"


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at
the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!"
says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the
eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate* Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.

[XIR.[L7]]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!





An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He alway's made his own lunch ."

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

[XIR.[L7]]

My friend Jack is a pilot on a 747.

I said "Hi Jack."

He shot me.

[XIR.MacAlex]

From the Lateshow with Dave Lettermann:

Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time Playing Video Games

10. You haven't left the house since you discovered Pong

9. You keep asking your doctor how many lives you have left

8. On application forms you check "Active Duty" because of your awesome gun firing skills

7. You introduce your wife as "Player 2"

6. The day after Playstation 3 is released you camp outside Circuit City waiting for Playstation 4

5. Wife complains you're not spending enough time with your sons, Mario and Luigi

4. You're on the national organ donor waiting list for two thumbs

3. At Grandma's funeral, you keep waiting for her to respawn

2. In the bedroom, you're a "first person shooter," if you know what I mean

1. It's ruined your marriage to Britney Spears

[XIR.[L7]]

[XIR.Rawhide]

Social Security SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
>"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
>"Social Security sex?"
>"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
>A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
>"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband
>climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
>"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
>theproblem is.
" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[XIR.croom]

.. drawn from real live

[XIR.[L7]]

Flat Belly


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "well,
you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes
I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

See what happens when you LIE to your child !!

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.[L7]]

HEAVEN.

An old lady arrived in Heaven, and as St Peter was checking her in, she was
alarmed to hear the most terrible screams. "Oh don't worry," said St Peter
it's just someone having their head drilled for the halo to be fitted."
A few moments later, there was more terrible screaming. Once again, the old
lady was concerned. "It's all right," said St Peter, "that's just someone
having holes drilled for the wings."

"I've heard enough, " said the old lady, "Forget it here, I'm off to Hell
instead."
"But you can't do that." replied St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised."
"Yes, I know" said the old lady, "But I've already got the holes for that."

[XIR.[L7]]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead
of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet
paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my
breasts. "How
long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my
husband
replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger
over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your
butt, didn't
it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy,
he may
even walk again, although he will probably continue
to take
his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.