Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for
lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde
employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...
very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

[XIR.Xanton]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like
that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and
tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on
her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around
her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when
stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to
say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your
homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very
disappointed."

[XIR.TDP]

Nice!

[XIR.Xanton]

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this
problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh." The
doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be
thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a
doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The
doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest willy he has
ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls
about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to
struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what
came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to
be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's
swollen."

[XIR.croom]

A man in his mid 40's bought a new Porsche and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

''There's no way they can catch a Porsche,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

''What the hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. ''It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.''

The guy thinks for a second and says, ''Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.''

''Have a nice weekend,'' said the officer.

[XIR.croom]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my private parts, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[XIR.Xanton]

[XIR.Xanton]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing
respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Peter Gallagher picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Peter goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Peter declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid
to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Peter

[XIR.Xanton]

Two engineering students were walking across a university
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[XIR.Xanton]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the
Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your
Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat
so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the
Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd
really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you
do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for
you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision
when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors
it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down,
Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The
Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to
his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to
the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said
the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop. Chief exclaimed........ "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked...... "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[XIR.Xanton]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi (all of the male gender, I
presume) went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were
sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries.
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his
face.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his
face rather than his privates.

"I don't know about you," the rabbi grinned, "but in my
congregation, it’s my face they would recognize."

[XIR.Xanton]

Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are
walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a
beautiful six-storey hotel.

Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are
greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up
to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it
says, we'll put you up there."

So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above,
where they see this sign: "All the men here have no money,
and are short and ugly." The girlfriends laugh and move off.

On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men
here have money, but are short and plain." The girls
continue on their way.

At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here
have money, and are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move
on.

On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have
money, and are tall and handsome." This excites the girls
and they are about to go get registered when they remember
that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.
At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way
to please a woman."

[XIR.Xanton]

English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?
Cornish Farmer: Aye.
English Tourist: Have you lived here all of your life?
Cornish Farmer: Not yet.

[XIR.Xanton]

A young executive was leaving the office late one
evening when he found the CEO standing in front
of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document here, and my secretary has
gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. "I just need
one copy."

[XIR.croom]

hrhrhrhr