Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the
store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front
of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its
tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why
did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel
better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

[XIR.Dukeman]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunet running from the cops. They hid in some potato sacks in a barn. The cop goes to check the sacks out. Kicks the first one and the brunet says,"Meow." then the second one, the redhead says,"Woof, Woof." then the third one, the blonde says,"Potato!"

[XIR.Dukeman]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blondes are walking down the street when they spot a $100.00 bill. Who picks it up? .... The dumb blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart blonde.

[XIR.Dukeman]

The blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building. Who hits the ground first ....


the brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

[XIR.Dukeman]

There was a newlywed couple on there honeymoon, and out of the
blue the husband says to his wife, "Honey why don't you try on my
pants?"

His wife says "OK" and she puts them on. After doing so she says,
"Wow you could fit two of me in here."

The husband smiles and says, "Yea! that shows you who wears the
pants in this family."

She smiles and says, "OK honey why don't you try on my pants?"

He looks confused and says, "OK...I can't get in them."

His wife replies, "And that's the way its gonna be until you
change your attitude!"

[XIR.Dukeman]

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced
with the dilemma of which to marry.

As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new
clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look
saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I
love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new
stereo VCR and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these
things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled
her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to
multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying,
"I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our
future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then
gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one
with the biggest breasts."

[XIR.Xanton]

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to
that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to
you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let
it go"

[XIR.Xanton]

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners,
who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes
were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and
started eating. It was really delicious and he said so,
despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

[XIR.Xanton]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents
the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt
beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs.


"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...

I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."


His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't
deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma
is!"

[XIR.croom]

A man sits down with his 9 year old son. Listen, Son, I want to tell you about the birds and the bees. The son bursts into tears and says, "I don't want to hear this." The dad is puzzled and asks why. When the lad has dried his tears he explains, "Dad, when I was 6 you told me there was no Santa Claus; when I was 7 you told me there was no tooth fairy; when I was 8 you told me there was no Easter Bunny. If you're going to tell me adults don't shag, I've got nothing left to live for."

[XIR.croom]

--> A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but
They only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking
female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two
male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read
the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn
to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the
priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding
rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are
prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and
says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE
BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

[XIR.Xanton]

The mind of a six year old is wonderful !! First Grade.....
true story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
"'Holy ! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

[XIR.Xanton]

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He
asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my 'gator."

[XIR.Xanton]

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and
had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the
"George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged
to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had
gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door. A head
appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't
you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window
slammed shut. Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is
it now?' demanded the head. 'Could we speak to George this
time please?' asked on the the hikers.

[XIR.Xanton]

An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined
to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only
once in a hundred years. Not wanting to frighten off the
ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when
the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be
friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy
photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the
picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer
developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and
completely blank. The spirit was willing, but the flash was
weak.