Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was
sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put
on our life jackets - we're one short."

[XIR.Dukeman]

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[XIR.Xanton]

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in
the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc.
One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The
local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to
do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud
father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine
strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can
finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the
lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child.
"You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the
lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's
attracting them?"

[XIR.Dukeman]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[XIR.Dukeman]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[XIR.Dukeman]

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[XIR.Dukeman]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[XIR.Dukeman]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[XIR.Dukeman]

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together. He introduces himself and asks President Bush, "How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment, "Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says, "See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

[XIR.Dukeman]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

[XIR.Dukeman]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[XIR.Xanton]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This
captain was very successful at what he did; for years he
guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy
seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his
crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain.
Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would
lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small
safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper
inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock
it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For
years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it
a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love?
Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's
body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the
captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope,
opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the
others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

"Port Left Starboard Right"

[XIR.Dukeman]

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[XIR.Dukeman]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on adiet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."

[XIR.croom]

--> The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."


--> An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"Okay. Let's hear it," responded the artist.

"Well, the good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy said he was your doctor."