Jokes (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says
the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the
title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using
a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the
blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I
park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to
be there when I return?"

[XIR.Xanton]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look
terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit
with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded
a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I
got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock
of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my
eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an
eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[XIR.[L7]]

Tolerance
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney .

I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy" and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called

" Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the
goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

[XIR.Rawhide]

A London Fire

In a run-down part of East London, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists
and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor .... all six tragically perished in the fire. A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor ... they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian gang banger, ex-cons — all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor ... they too, died.
But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic ‘racism’ still existed in all areas of public service — questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London Community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ...

“Because they were both at work.”

[XIR.Rawhide]

THE SCOTSMAN
An Arab Sheik was admitted javascript:bbstyle(-1)to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located
who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the
Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later,
once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor
telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not
reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab &
asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a
BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of
candies".

To this the Arab replied:

"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".