The Bastard Operator from Hell (English)

[XIR.Xanton]

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH,
however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be
the tape device - it's so much more economical on my
time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes
every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't
be all bad can it? Of course not.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's
excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied)
"Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of
them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give
someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I
need is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that
buddy!" I hang up.

You'd really think people would learn not to call..

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys
me. I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know
WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a
good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages!
IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you,
YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet -
he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at
the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his
department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY
COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10
SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO
HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR
ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY
TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY
AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.."

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst
thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing.
I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some
good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03
seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to
that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine
Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you
said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too
late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my
account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the
mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do
they want me to give them extra space, they want to
check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough!
They should be happy with what I give them *and that's
it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with
his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room
temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg
in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg
Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!