Stupid answering machine messages

[XIR.Xanton]

Stupid answering machine messages

--> "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send
money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me
money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
money."

--> "Hi. Now you say something."

--> "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is,
so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

--> "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

--> (From Japanese friend) "Her-ro! This is Sa-to. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message,
I call sooner!"

--> "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."

--> "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."

--> "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call."

--> "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
it's you."

--> "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
a message."

--> "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us against you."

--> "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up
the phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth,

--> Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess happened upon a frog in the pond. The frog said to
the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn
back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the
castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined on frog legs in garlic
butter, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't f*cking
think so." We'll get back to you."