Drinker's Fault-Finding Guide

[XIR.Xanton]

Drinker's Fault-Finding Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and
taste ; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being
applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of
a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until
drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and
taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another
pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at
ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a
while complain to its owner about its lack of house
training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your
empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another
pint.

Symptom : Bar swaying.
Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to
darts match in progress.
Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another
bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling
tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is
standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone
to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a
mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold,
hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening
time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC !!!!!

[XIR.[L7]]

ROFL,

[XIR.croom]

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.

14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.

8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 - Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"

4 - The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...

1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[XIR.croom]

5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

[XIR.Xanton]

LOL! Looks like I never leave stage 1...